You couldn't make it up!

Jinglemaster · January 11, 2010

I was parked in London this morning and put my disabled badge on the dashboard. When I shut the door the wind must have blown the badge off the dashboard onto the seat where it was still correct way up and perfectly visible. This was in a private car park.

When I came back after recording, I discovered the car clamped. Now, it is an offence to clamp a car displaying a vaild disabled badge (like mine) but of course, the badge had fallen onto the seat. I rang the clamping company who told me that they would still charge me. They had a photo and the badge was not displayed thus they can clamp. Technically correct.

OK, so you can legally remove the clamp as long as you do not damage it. I happen to be a very good lockpicker, so I opened the car and got my lock picks out. This started to draw some interest from other people who had also been clamped. I explained to them that it was completely legal. I removed the padlock and another chap kindly removed the actual clamp as I cannot lift anything heavy. The clamp was slightly pinched by my tyre so he tugged the clamp to free it. As it freed it flew up in the air and hit a woman who was stood watching, breaking her nose and jaw. The two halves of the clamp seperated mid flight and one half hit a parked Posche 911, going straight through the rear window. The other half hit the car next to the Porsche which was a Bentley Arnage, denting the door badly.

The woman with the broken nose and jaw stumbled back and lost her footing causing her to knock another woman over, this woman fell into the path of a car coming into the car park which swerved to miss her and bumped into the ticket machine, which made a fizzing noise and started smoking. The woman broke her ankle.

The fire service quickly arrived to put out the fire, the ambulance arrived to take care of the woman and the police arrived to sort out the crminal damage to the cars.

The clampers had arrived as someone had called them. They were busy giving statements to the police about the 'illegal' removal of their clamps. I decided to pop my lock picks back in the boot and when I opened it I noticed my sons bike lock with its huge padlock.

The clamp that had been taken off my car was next to my car now as the clampers had put it there whilst they sorted out the nightmare, so me and another chap quietly took the clamp and put it on the police car with my sons padlock.

Now, as I was at the BBC someone spotted a story and sent down a camera crew. I was free to go as I hadn't actually done anything as far as the police were concerned. Their car was blocking me in, so they jumped in toi move it unaware of the clamp on the front wheel. As they tried to drive out of the way, the clamp spun and wrecked their wing and driveshaft. At the same time the ticket machine gave out a loud bang and the cameraman stumbled in the immediate panic and dropped a £35,000 video camera.

I got in my car and left discretely as none of this was my doing after all. I ran out of petrol about 5 minutes down the road as I was so busy laughing about the events that I forgot I desperately needed fuel.

How was your day?:xmasthumb: